Some Days

Some days, in fact a lot of days, I want to stay in my pajamas. I want to waste my day, skip my shower and watch Netflix. I want to casually eat when I want and what I want. I want to hide away in the comfort of my home, shutting the world out.

But I can’t, and this is why. If I act like a bum, then I feel like a bum. I feel disgusting without a shower. I feel worthless without an activity. It makes my body hurt, literally. It makes my mind go to negative places. And that cannot happen for me.

Because when I feel like a worthless piece of shit, I have repercussions. I begin to hate myself. Now, I know that this thought is not rational. Taking a lazy day does not warrant a suicide watch. But for me, it kind of does. It makes my mind spiral to a place of self loathing.

And for someone like me, that is such a dangerous place. Because for me, self loathing wakes my demons. Makes the voice of booze louder than the voice of recovery. And I cannot let that happen.

Because then, I might drink. And if you think my mind cannot spiral down to a place worse than wanting to blow my brains out, then you are wrong. There is no worse place for my mental health than a hangover. It claws at my sanity. I have to talk my mind into not letting my body jump off a bridge. It is painful. And terrifying.

So, for that reason, I cannot get lazy. Everything I do is working towards sobriety and recovery.  Not just AA meetings and talking to my sponsor. Exercising and reading. Putting my make up on. Getting out of bed and taking a shower. Everything I do is for the greater good of my recovery.

I don’t take a day off. I can’t and I won’t. Keep on moving. Keep on doing. It’s true what they say,no rest for the wicked.

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