Some Days

Some days, in fact a lot of days, I want to stay in my pajamas. I want to waste my day, skip my shower and watch Netflix. I want to casually eat when I want and what I want. I want to hide away in the comfort of my home, shutting the world out.

But I can’t, and this is why. If I act like a bum, then I feel like a bum. I feel disgusting without a shower. I feel worthless without an activity. It makes my body hurt, literally. It makes my mind go to negative places. And that cannot happen for me.

Because when I feel like a worthless piece of shit, I have repercussions. I begin to hate myself. Now, I know that this thought is not rational. Taking a lazy day does not warrant a suicide watch. But for me, it kind of does. It makes my mind spiral to a place of self loathing.

And for someone like me, that is such a dangerous place. Because for me, self loathing wakes my demons. Makes the voice of booze louder than the voice of recovery. And I cannot let that happen.

Because then, I might drink. And if you think my mind cannot spiral down to a place worse than wanting to blow my brains out, then you are wrong. There is no worse place for my mental health than a hangover. It claws at my sanity. I have to talk my mind into not letting my body jump off a bridge. It is painful. And terrifying.

So, for that reason, I cannot get lazy. Everything I do is working towards sobriety and recovery.  Not just AA meetings and talking to my sponsor. Exercising and reading. Putting my make up on. Getting out of bed and taking a shower. Everything I do is for the greater good of my recovery.

I don’t take a day off. I can’t and I won’t. Keep on moving. Keep on doing. It’s true what they say,no rest for the wicked.

When You Quit Drinking

When you quit drinking, there will not be a crowd cheering, throwing confetti at you. There will be no release of doves or butterflies. No crowds chanting your name. So if you are getting sober to please the masses, reevaluate your motives. There will be no parade.

There will be people who will be unsupportive. Some will seem to want you to fail. Maybe your success threatens them. Maybe they will miss their drinking buddy. Maybe they are unhappy with their own lives. Don’t listen to them. Let them deal with their own issues. You will soon find out that you have plenty of your own.

You can’t hang out with the same people anymore. That doesn’t mean that you can’t still love them. You just can’t hang out with them. You drank together. You don’t drink anymore. You changed the game.

You will have some messes to clean up. Some things got neglected while you were drunk. Maybe your bills. Your kids. Your marriage. Yourself. It seems overwhelming. Take it one day at a time. One mess at a time. And when you need a break, take it. It took years to get things this fucked up. They won’t be fixed overnight.

There will be people that will fully support you. They will lift you up and encourage you and love you. Be with them. Help them when they need it, and accept their help when you need it. Those are your people. Let them love you.

You will want to drink again. Learn ways and tools to get through that. It will become fewer and farther between. But sobriety is not just one and done. You will have to fight for it everyday. Every single day.

You will never have another hangover. If your head hurts, its because you have a headache. Not because of the 10 plus shots you threw down your throat the night before. If you feel nauseous, you’re sick. You will never have to spend another wasted day on being hungover again.

You will never have to worry about how you’re going to get home. You can drive your car to and from EVERY function you go to. You don’t have to worry about DUI’s, or getting into a drunken wreck.

You will remember everything you did. Its amazing. You will never have to wake up and wonder if you made an ass of yourself. Or even worse, have a flashback of it halfway through the day. Or even worse than that, have someone tell you the story of the humiliating things you did the night before.

But most importantly, you will no longer give your life away to booze. You won’t lose hours of your time to blackouts. You won’t lose hundreds of dollars to the bar. You won’t look in the mirror and hate the person looking back. The further you get from the bottle, the closer you get to who you are, who you are meant to be.

So take it one scary step at a time. Then your steps will turn into leaps and bounds and someday, you won’t be able to see far enough back to where you started.

Lucky

Not everybody gets to have a fucked up life. With a fucked up past, a fucked up childhood. Not everyone gets to come from nothing and work and claw their way into something. Not everyone gets to open their eyes one day and realize how extremely fucked up everything is. Their surroundings, their live, themselves.

I did. I got to see, at the young age of 36, just how fucked up everything was. I got to take off the rose colored glasses and see all of the craziness and bullshit for what it was. I got to see how I contributed to the craziness and bullshit. And that is how I began to dig myself out of the hole I was living in.

That’s where the luck came in. I was finally allowing myself to take responsibility for what I have done. Or didn’t do. I could let myself feel the guilt of my actions. And I could forgive myself and move forward. I can see other peoples craziness, and understand. They are sick. They need prayers.

And I get to meet so many amazing people. Recovering alcoholics and addicts are amazing. They are the people that you want in your corner. They are understanding. They are honest. And they are so kind. And I am grateful to be one of them.

I mean, we all have to be something. I am a grateful alcoholic.