My Demon

“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist.”

This is one of my favorite quotes from my favorite movie. First of all, it is an amazing fucking movie. But mostly, this is the truest quote I’ve ever heard.

I have a disease that most people don’t believe even exists. Alcoholism and addiction carry a stigma that only a true form of evil can create. And if you don’t understand what I am talking about, consider yourself lucky.  There is  a demon inside my mind, deceitful in every way. Even trying to convince me that it doesn’t exist. Now, I know that it does. Trust me, I’ve met this demon face to face. But every time I drop my guard down, even just a little, it will try to dig its claws in.

And if I ever drink, even one beer, my demon will choke me so tight that I would rather die than fight. It will do everything it can to try to convince me that I am worthless. That I don’t deserve to live. That the only way I can live, is with my demons. Always trying to push one more drink. Until I finally drink the one that kills me. My demon does not care how I do it. It doesn’t care if I drink myself to death or if I put a bullet in my head. It wants me dead and it knows that booze is the way.

It will never stop. It will rest. It will lay low hoping that I forget how horrible it makes me feel and how badly it wants me dead. It will sit in the shadows and regain strength. And when it sees weakness, it will pounce. It will try to convince everyone that it doesn’t exist. That I am selfish. That I choose to be this way. That I am the demon. But I promise you, my friend. The devil exists. I have seen him. I have danced with him. I will never again. I don’t exist because of him. I am alive despite him.

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