The End of the Beginning

My relationship with booze started decades ago. It started innocently enough, some boones farm with friends at a high school party. Sneaking bud lights in my friends room. I was instantly in love with the feeling. It made me feel happy. It made me feel fun. And beautiful and likeable. Up until that point in my life, those were not feelings I had frequently. Every chance I had to drink, I took it. I used to take cans of beer in my backpack and go to the bathroom and chug one at a time. The fact that I never got caught is shocking. I probably could have quit drinking then, but I had absolutely no interest in doing that.

After high school, I kept the party train on track. My favorite saying was “I don’t drink anymore. Of course, I don’t drink any less!”  I thought that was hilarious. When I was 19, I got so drunk at a party that I passed out while driving home. Literally. My car went right underneath a semi truck. Inches from taking my head off. I went to alcohol counseling. They told me I wasn’t an alcoholic, it was just my age. Did some community service and paid a lot of fines. I probably could have quit drinking then. Still not interested.

After my wreck and my legal consequences were behind me, I got right back to it. Drank every night. Always knew which bar to go to on which night to get the best deals. I drank to get drunk. And I always succeeded. Being hungover was my norm. I lived to drink and I drank to live. I’m not sure if I could have stopped then, because I didn’t.

Then in 2001, I found out I was pregnant. I met the father at the bar, and drinking was our only thing in common. So I stopped. He didn’t. That pregnancy was a time of heartache and stress. Then she was born. He went to jail for drinking issues. I started drinking again. He got out and we both sobered up and had another daughter. But, like I said, our love for booze was all we shared. We fell apart. I didn’t drink like I did in the past, but I still drank. I know I couldn’t have stopped drinking at that point. Not on my own.

Fast forward to now. I have a new husband who I am madly in love with. 2 daughters and a step son. A full time job.  And an extremely messed up relationship with booze. All that time it would have been easy to stop, now its painful and scary. We’ll get into those details later. But it is time. Time to discover who I am without the booze I have been hiding behind. So I will quit. I will end this beginning and start a new one.

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